Finding out

Pregnant.

That's what the two little pink lines on this merciless pee stick yelled at me, as i sat on the edge of my tub staring at it.

Pregnant.

I had never really thought about being a mother, nor had I ever been one of those woman who dreams of the day when she would feel her first kick or rock her baby.
I was happy being a woman who never considered the cost of a new pair of leather boots or never thought twice about ordering out more then a couple times a week. I was happy and enjoying time being part of a couple where my biggest responsibility was deciding that the laundry needed to be done.... at somepoint.

It seems that life had other plans for me.

Its sounds almost selfish to feel as i did when i found out- that my life was over. After all like my now husbands sister.. children is not something everyone has such an easy time acheiving naturally- and most certainly not while taking birth control!

By all rights I should have been happy... but I was more terrified then I had ever been. We had just moved 18 hours away from all our family and friends to start a new life in a wonderland of play not to mention chewing up most of our savings to do it.

I remember feeling a flood of emotions... fear, worry, saddness and resentment. Harsh emotions to associate with the fuzzy pink images of these happy times I would always see on television.

I struggled feeling I was the worst woman on earth for not being excited about this brand new baby...every book I looked at had images of loving mothers, happy families.
Not once did I find someone who was willing to vocalize the fact that babies change your life - They take away your freedom and they turn the world as you know it upside down.

No one wants to say that, to sound unloving or heartless, but none the less its true.
I love my baby... i care for him all his waking hours, but that doesn't mean I still don't miss those care free days.

This Blog is not a fairy tale interpretation of what being a mother is like. This blog is about the struggles and reality of what being a mom entails, because far to often reality takes backstage to fairy tales.

This my storey.